Future Poltergeist

Is there a city with better detective stories than LA? Only London comes close. We've discovered the trick to getting the kids to fall asleep while reading to them. Read from Kipling. Civil war in Egypt. The beneficiary is the player with the most unit points left in storage. (Civilization board game joke.) Sarah is going away for three days, so it's just me and the kids. I promised her that I would not take the kids to McDonalds more than six times while she's gone. Felix just pointed at the words on his shirt (which reads 'Mama's Boy') and told me that it says 'Dragon-Fire'. Kids are in bed and I'm having a drink. Relia is upset that a children's show is showing tortoises and sea turtles together as if they're both turtles. How dare they! Kids are in bed and day three of single parenting is done. For the record, we only had fast food once. Looking at titles on Netflix and saw one called 'Why Ships Sink'. I asked Relia why she thinks...

Back when I was young, June was a warm month. What is the ratio of Superman origin movies to overall Superman movies? 1 to 2? Saw 'Midnight in Paris'. Why in the world do people keep casting Rachel McAdams? She's no longer believable as a person. If aliens ever show up and need to take some representatives back to their home planet, I'd like to nominate the entire extended Kardashian family. It won't show the human race in the best light, but we'll finally be rid of them. Overheard while potty training continues: Felix: Can someone please put pants on me? Oh, we are indeed living the dream. Felix about cousin Michael, "He's my special friend. I'm going to kiss him right in the face!" Sarah is going to build a wall today. Every time she mentions it, Pink Floyd goes through my head.

(Finally updating from Facebook.) It's snowing and they're testing the sirens in Minneapolis. The despair is palpable. Last year, when we had a very mild winter, I distinctly remember a woman (friend of a friend) who was upset that her poor 2nd grader would 'never see snow again'. I've thought of her often over the last two months. The next time someone utters such an absurdity at a Minnesotan we should be allowed to smack them. I predict that by the year 2025, we will officially change the name of clownfish to 'Nemo-fish'. Relia to me: Oops, I forgot you're a human. That's kind of the slogan of my mornings. Watching some Veggie Tales with the kids for the first time in ever. After a good ten minutes, Felix had an epiphany and realized that Bob is a tomato. Well, we can't say that a baby has never pooped on our Wii balance board anymore. Felix thinks we should do Halloween tomorrow so he can get some more candy. I'm trying to explain to him...

(You may remember this series, where I store some of the things that were over on Facebook.) It's snowing and they're testing the sirens in Minneapolis. The despair is palpable. Last year, when we had a very mild winter, I distinctly remember a woman (friend of a friend) who was upset that her poor 2nd grader would 'never see snow again'. I've thought of her often over the last two months. The next time someone utters such an absurdity at a Minnesotan we should be allowed to smack them. I predict that by the year 2025, we will officially change the name of clownfish to 'Nemo-fish'. Car outside our house has been parked there with the bass ALL THE WAY UP for about fifteen minutes. I can't hear the song, but I assume it's something like seismic activity or magma movement. Relia to me: Oops, I forgot you're a human. That's kind of the slogan of my mornings. Free idea for writers of children's movies: Make the villain be a corporation or a ...

Had a most enjoyable conversation with Felix on the ride home today. He's trying to wrap his head around his upcoming birthday and he was worried that he'd become 'too big'. He said that big Felixs don't eat and he didn't like that. When I pressed him he was worried that he would become too big to eat cupcakes. I told him not to worry about that anytime soon. The kids were trying to pick a show to watch on the Netflix and they decided on 'Little Tyke's Land', a show based on the toy cars that kids can 'drive' around the yard. Sarah asked me if I'd watched it before. (Yes, this morning and it sucked in the way that gentle children's programming does.) I tried to steer her away from saying yes. Me: Yeah, it's hyper-violent. Uses bad language. Sarah: What??? Really? Felix: Hyper-violent! Hyper-violent! I want hyper-violent! Little pitchers, man, little pitchers have big ears. (We let them watch it.) Q: What is the difference between ...

Yay, Opening Day! Watching 'The Imposters' on Netflix. The rest of you probably should be too. The kids have discovered 'Samurai Jack'. I'm pretty sure that Felix is going to be sword fighting all day now. Felix wanted to challenge Relia to a rolling pin fight. I choose to step in and say 'no'. Inspired by Laurie, I'm trying to think of the last good love story movie that I've seen. Can't think of anything more recent than 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. Has the last decade really been that lousy for love stories? Oh no! Margaret Thatcher, RIP. Need a suggestion. The wife has never seen a James Bond movie. There are a bunch of them on the Netflix this month. Which one should I start her off on? All things being equal, I'd rather be done with the snow now, thank you. [From April 10th] Just think, we're only seven weeks away from Memorial day and the start of summer. I recently introduced the kids to the Powerpuff Girls. Lo...

(May as well start bringing this up to date.) PSA: If you ask them nicely, McDonalds will make you a half shamrock, half chocolate shake. And they're yummy. This winter has been so active, that for the first time ever, the Weather Channel is up to the letter 'S' when naming winter storms. Felix nap etiquette update: The little stuffed Wolverine doll should be tucked in and completely under the blanket. Otherwise it won't sleep. Am I the only one, who, when watching Downton Abbey, is reminded more and more of Gone with the Wind? After I explained what 'contrary' means, Relia decided that she is contrary. Maybe I did it wrong. Can one of my Catholic friends help me out here? While there is no Pope, are all of the commandments still in force? As you look at the snow outside, just remember, the Twins play their first home game in only 18 days. Cee-Lo is kind of like the Liberace of modern pop music, isn't he? We need an It Gets Better video for people who live...

Today, I feel human again. Off to the doctor! Went to my second Dr's appt today, this one for Relia. She has croup! Who knew that was even a real thing? Simple domestic joy: putting a Chiquita banana sticker on my daughter. Facebook is asking me to say 'hello' to you. So...hi! Hope you're doing well. Take care! Back from the ultrasound and everything is fine. On mornings like this I always wonder how the pioneers (150 years ago) got their children outside and into their child seats. Just finished shoveling. The first shift at least. We're celebrating Christmas Eve with cookie time! Snips and snails and puppy dog tails... Blue turtles should be outlawed in the last half of lap three. I feel very strongly about this. Sample post: "Watching Relia today. Getting more than very ready (something something). Good game."

Fireworks have been shot off in hopes that the dragon will favor us. Or something like that. Happy New Year! If anyone has an extra 50 degrees of heat to share, we could sure use some. Another reason to have children: finding new Dr Seuss books to read. The Ariel/Flounder friendship is wholly unconvincing. Cardinals versus Saints. Who would the Pope cheer for? The tator-tot hotdish (the only real cooking I bring to the marriage) is in the oven. Enjoyed 'Up in the Air'. Probably a must see for all bookers of corporate travel. Hey, freezing rain in the forecast! What could possibly go wrong? Dear NFL, football games should be played on Sundays at noon and 3p. Small adjustments are fine. 2p and 540p is just stupid. Please correct this for next season. Hey, any room for some winter refugees? Another few days of below zero weather and we may give up on Minnesota entirely. Is making a taco pizza to share with daughter. She gets all of the black olives...

Confession time: I giggle whenever I book YQR. Four hours of sleep, a ten hour shift and a winter storm closing down everything east of the Mississippi. Should be a fun day. I'd be willing to sign any petition available to ban Bud Light from advertising during the Super Bowl. I'm trying to sell the name 'Zeppo' and having no luck. Man, short track ice skating is exciting! Four years later and I'm still bugged that the city of Turin has been Olympicized into 'Torino'. Snow today in the northern Rockies. That means we'll be helping thousands of stranded travelers trying to connect in Bozeman :( When will they make 'Survivor' into an Olympic sport? Chloroform is bad for children, right? Apparently, we've reached the stage of pregnancy where 'context' can no longer be provided. I'm baffled and not sure where to turn. Should be a fun ten(ish) weeks. I'm ideally suited to be an eccentric millionaire. Relia just told me that 'she...

Am showing 'Mary Poppins' to Relia. It's her first time. What about the name 'Yorick'? Too Danish? As I'd hoped, Relia loves 'Ponyo'! You really don't understand the concept of 'non sequitur' until you've had conversations with a two year old. First Cory Haim, now Merlin Olsen. Will these celebrities never learn to tone it down? The windows are open for the first time since September! (In Bill Cosby voice) Come here come here come here come here come here come here come here... HIMYM is best when Barney is superhuman.

Out of the blue, Relia has started calling me 'Papa-bear'. Relia had jelly on toast and it ended up smeared on her face. I told her she looked like the Joker. She said, "I AM the Joker". Well, that puts my mind at ease. Is there a nanny in a musical who is not played by Julie Andrews? Whoops! Must have left my phone at work. No calls for me this weekend! Relia is taking a self imposted timeout because "she is blond". After great study (and repeated viewings) I've come to the conclusion that 'Toy Story' is *not* a documentary. We need at least 28 hours in the day. Is there somewhere we can petition for that? Watching old Mickey Mouse cartoons with Relia. God bless YouTube. The wife just told me that if I put on another 30-40 pounds, I too can stop working until baby comes. Paging Dr Nick... Well. They might be coming but we're not sure. My phone is charged and I'm still going to work. Let's hope that I'm called away!

This time we're going in. Pleased to announce that Felix arrived last night about 230a. He weighs 8 pounds 5 ounces and is 20 in. long. Both mother and baby are doing quite well. Lesson One for today: Little boys have a long range attack option during diaper changes. Is there a product that sits in your home and simulates, for infants, the experience of being in a car? And if not, why? A pink heart shaped Mylar balloon at the dollar store. Is that the best money spent or what? I could not be any more tired of vampires and zombies than I am right now. Relia is insistent that I show her 'Empire Strikes Back' (or as she refers to Star Wars, the 'robot movies'). Thinks there should be a drink called 'Desmond in a Well'. Not sure of the ingredients though... Relia wants to go to the zoo so we can ride the 'monica-rail'. Relia is down and we have a clear shot at watching 'Lost'. Watching old Donald Duck cartoons with Relia. This time some of them a...

Is ready for the kids to fall asleep. If only my wife had questions about things that I know about! I hate to admit this but the new A-Team movie looks kind of fun. So, out of curiosity, who out there is excited for the World Cup and who do you think will win? Sometime this week I'll be talking with a client on the phone and they'll say, "huh"? And after a long weekend at home with a two year old I will almost certainly snap back "You heard what I said!". Seriously, is there a better ad campaign than 'The Most Interesting Man in the World'? Very strong yellow glow to the sky right now. That's a bad thing, right? I wish the Children's Museum had a webcam so I could tell if it was mobbed with kids before driving over to St Paul . . . Hell is: stuck in traffic with two kids screaming in the back seat. I'm having my first ever BLT. I miss my morning vuvuzeuellas. Just got back from our first puppet show of the summer.

Was anyone else rooting for a Paraguay/Uruguay final? [I think this is a World Cup reference.] The wife just asked me what year 'Wizard of Oz' came out. I knew it. This seems strange to admit but I'm going to miss the vuvezuellas. Today's unhappy word of the day: 'vitiligo'. The storm is past and we're up from the basement. The sirens completely screwed up bedtime but we finally got her down. Just got a Kindle! I can no longer see a plane fly overhead without thinking it's going to split apart a la 'Lost'. Just got the full body happy wiggle from Felix. I love the unfiltered joy of a three month old! If my excitement over the Clinton wedding gets any higher I'll probably have to check into treatment.

Why didn't Mankato hold a 'Bret Favre Day Festival' for this weekend. Think he would have shown up for it? Can't sleep but I just got a lovely sighting of the half moon. Leaving for my last day at Mendota. My daughter wants to be on 'Wipeout'. Somehow I think this reflects poorly on my parenting. I think kazoos should be handled like cigarettes. They should be prohibited to anyone under the age of 18. No screaming from upstairs. I take that as a good sign. Week one: both kids are still alive, they've had the correct number of meals and slept some each night. So far so good!  Today Relia asked me to teach her how to play baseball. I nearly wept.  Just back from my first visit to Target Field. Boy did I ever pick the right night!  Relia just woke up screaming for 'hot lemons'. It might be one of those days.  Today is *not* going into the parenting Hall of Fame.      

Watching old episodes of 'The Critic' with Relia. Not sure if this means I'm a bad parent or a really, really good one. Is this the wrong day to tell everyone that I'm not fond of the Discovery channel's big family lineup? Scariest phrase from the backseat? "It's ok dad, I don't have to go potty anymore." It's 2010. Why don't we have some sort of external gauge to show how full a toddler's bladder is yet? Come on science people! I'm just going to admit this. I really enjoy George Lazenby as James Bond. Starting to make my very first meatloaf. Is there a way to tell my TV that I'm not eligible to vote in the Bachmann/Clark election? I'd like to opt out from their commercials please. I can't wait until the kids are old enough to really get into football Sunday with me. Maybe by that time, my wife will too. I can't help but think that Gromit could do better than Wallace. Off to Austin. I'...

Only 31 more days of political ads!   Random playdoh fun fact: If you mix white, brown and pink together they make a color very similar to bacon.   T onight's bedtime reading request: 'The Tiny Little Train that Does It'.   Q: How much talcum powder was in the bottle on Relia's drawer today? A: Enough to cover her entire floor, some clothes and stuffed animals. Grrrrr.       The only thing that will consistently calm Felix this morning? Concert video from U2.   A peek into my home conversations with the wife: I've always thought that 'Ballroom Blitz' should have been in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.   I think my daughter is destined for the stage.   1. We are now hooked on 'Phineas and Ferb'. 2. I really, really want to find an appropriate time to call someone 'Perry the Judge-a-pus'.   Daughter comes out of her room crying. She should be in bed asleep. Why the tears? She hit her head, she...

I start back to work in a half an hour. It's been a good (nearly) three months off and I feel ready to help people again. Tummy time always makes me sleepy.   How does Disney get every fourteen year old girl to sound like they've been smoking for decades?   You know the game where toddlers ask question after question, each one leading them further and further from the original subject? The first one is legitimate and timely, but as they go along you're suddenly trying to define words that they just made upon the spot. Yeah, I've come to hate that game.   Relia is picking out wedding dresses.   The trick to a quiet house is making sure the kids get the right amount of sleep. If anyone knows how to perform this trick, please let me know.   Went to 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Pacing Issues' today. You know, if you're going to make a 2 1/2 hour movie you should make every attempt to make it *move*. Instead we were treat...

Relia has announced that for Christmas she would like glue. Why do I think she'd be terribly, terribly disappointed if we paid attention to that wish? Best Duran Duran song? Isn't it 'Rio'? Relia wants chocolate gelt for Christmas. This is wonderful on so many levels! I've reached that strange stage of parenthood where I have a favorite 'Phineas and Ferb' song. Unfavorite phrases heard by parents: "Didn't you see the mess that I made?" and "I cleaned up part of it!" "Some walk by night/Some fly by day . . ." I'm enjoying homemade mashed potatoes pizza. [Big December 2010 blizzard that broke the Dome] Can't decide if it's safe to shovel yet or not. My work of this morning has been compeltely erased. Word is that the Viking game is moving to Monday night. At least partly out of fear that too much snow will be on top of the dome for safety. Dome officials don't think they'll be re...