My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr. Right yet, surveyed the idyllic scene...The author continues and argues that women shouldn't hold out for that perfect love, but should be willing to settle for less.
But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course, we’d be loath to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she’ll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).
She puts forth a solid case and I'm sure she'll get a metric ton of hate mail. I'm just not sure how much of it will be from her target audience, women around the 40 year mark. There really is (for most women) a biological clock.
I don't know that she's advocating 'settling' (though I'm sure that many people would see it that way) so much as reordering priorities. The things that look good to a girl in her twenties (excitement, danger and a cutting wit) don't translate well for fatherhood. Virtues like gentleness and a sense of humor do even if they don't pack the same thrill. In some important ways, I think our society fails to suggest to young men and women what kind of elements last and which ones wear out.
For the record, I don't think either the FP Gal or I settled for each other. If we'd met ten years earlier we probably wouldn't have really connected and we'd have been poorer for it. It took some bad experiences to get some of the nonsense knocked out of us so we'd be ready to recognize the important things in a partner. That's the tricky thing about experience. You can really only gain it through time and pain.
4 comments:
I would say the same thing about Pete and me. In high school, college or even immediately thereafter, Pete may not have interested me. I had this mental "checklist" of what I expected a man to be (musician, overt intellectual, etc.). The items on that checklist were, for the most part, pretty superficial. After a few rough experiences I learned how to value what matters in a man. I learned my true strengths and weaknesses and was blessed to find someone who fit with that to make a great partnership. Some folks who knew me earlier might think I settled, but I would say I was much more demanding!!
I'm not certain there is such a thing as "perfect love" anyway. I'm pretty sure that I would have had a huge crush on Hans if we had been in high school together. I picture him as being sort of intense and different, but very smart and funny. Just like he is now. He, on the other hand, wouldn't have noticed me because I was a freshman when he was a senior. I was decidedly in an "ugly duckling" phase as a freshman. Braces, frizzy hair, the whole nine yards.
Anyway. Very interesting post. I never look at Hans and feel that I settled. I know that I am extremely lucky. Even when he plays computer games all night and begs me to read Wolverine comics. Every single guy I dated before him would have been settling. I know that with absolute certainty.
I have to agree with the other ladies here (and you Peder) - if I had met Steve earlier we probably wouldn't have clicked. Sometimes you have to live enough life to know what is important to you and to end up exactly where you're meant to! A lot of the things "on my list" that I had in my 'youth' were so incredibly stupid that there's no way I'd still be with that imaginary soul mate. Sometimes the universe works out just as it should. Thank goodness. :)
One of my favorite books is called Dating Big Bird by Laura Zigman. It's fiction & it's light, but it kind of goes along the lines of this article. Sweet read!
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