Thursday, March 20, 2014

Peder's Egg Salad Recipe (In 50 small steps)

This recipe has some approximations, so feel free to adjust to taste.

Step One: Get some extra eggs.  This is most easily accomplished if you and your wife both buy a dozen eggs without each others knowledge.
Step Two: Con your wife into hard boiling some of them.  Note: it is entirely possible that she will have this idea on her own but if not, try suggesting it to her.
Step Three: Select four hard boiled eggs.
Step Four: Start to de-shell the eggs.  (Unpeel?  Open?  I'm going with de-shell.  Send all complaints to the editor.)
Step Five: Google for a simple way to de-shell the eggs.  Automatically discard any result that wants you to use cold water.
Step Six: Go and see a Lego creation from DF.  Make sure to compliment him on it.
Step Seven: Try to go back to the kitchen before LL needs you for something.
Step Eight: Help LL unzip a zipper on some random toy.
Step Nine: Sneak back into the kitchen and start working on de-shelling the eggs.  Use game theory to try and figure out a way to do it more efficiently.  Have a brief fantasy about how if you did this for a living, you'd be able to get them de-shelled by simply looking at them.
Step Ten: Help LL who has falllen off of a chair.  You may need to sit on the couch with him for a moment with his blanket and kitty.
Step Eleven: Sneak back into the kitchen.  Shoo away the cat that is curious about the single half shelled egg.
Step Twelve: Respond to request from DF and put in a new movie.  ('New' as in different than previous.  Not 'new' as in 'unwatched before'.)
Step Thirteen: Refill a sippy cup of water for DF.
Step Fourteen: Get more milk for LL. 
Step Fifteen: Move movie from menu screen so that movie actually starts.
Step Sixteen: Back to the kitchen.  Finish de-shelling first egg.
Step Seventeen: Throw away shell fragments and pick second egg.  Note: the sound of the garbage can will attract LL to the kitchen. 
Step Eighteen: Have a small conversation with LL until you can find an exit ramp so that you can pay attention to the eggs again.
Step Nineteen: Crack the second egg.  Start breaking fragments off.
Step Twenty: Tell the boys not to chase through the kitchen. 
Step Twenty-One: Show DF what you're doing.  Offer to share it with him when you're done.
Step Twenty-Two: Back to the eggs.  Try to get in a groove.
Step Twenty-Three: Respond to LL who has walked into the kitchen with a diaper and a plea to 'change'. 
Step Twenty-Four: Change LL. 
Step Twenty-Five: Wash hands thoroughly. 
Step Twenty-Six: Point the boys in the direction of the play room and rush back to the kitchen.
Step Twenty-Seven: Finish de-shelling the eggs.  At this point you should have four eggs sitting in the bottom of a bowl.
Step Twenty-Eight: Sneak to the computer to re-Google the egg salad recipe so that you can get the portions right.
Step Twenty-Nine: Back to the kitchen.
Step Thirty: Go to the playroom to settle a fight over a firetruck. 
Step Thirty-One: Comfort LL on the couch with his blanket and kitty.
Step Thirty-Two: Control your anger while asking DF to watch the movie that he picked out.
Step Thirty-Three: Sneak back to the kitchen and get out the mayo.  The recipe calls for about 1/4 cup of mayo for four eggs.  Eyeball it and decide that you need about two big spoonfulls. 
Step Thirty-Four: Settle dispute between boys over who gets to wear a backpack filled with small toys.  Note: your children may fight over something different.  You may need to be flexible here. 
Step Thirty-Five: It doesn't matter which way you decide the dispute as the loser will inconsolable. 
Step Thirty-Six: Try to comfort the loser.  You have to at least try.  It's in the job description.
Step Thirty-Seven: After about a minute, the winner will lose interest in the backpack.  He'll set it down and skip away as if it never meant anything to him whatsoever.
Step Thirty-Eight: Put the backpack on the loser.  He will also lose interest in about a minute.
Step Thirty-Nine: Back to the kitchen and try to figure out where you were and what you were doing. 
Step Forty: Back to the computer to look at the recipe. 
Step Forty-One: Put the mayo in the bowl with the eggs.
Step Forty-Two: Listen for new fight.  If you don't hear one, mix the eggs and the mayo.  You need the eggs to end up in small chunks.  The color won't be right yet, but don't worry.
Step Forty-Three: Follow DF to the bathroom as he's done going potty and now needs help finishing.
Step Forty-Four: Wash hands thoroughly again.
Step Forty-Five: Back to the kitchen.  Add some mustard.  Stir again.  Now it should look like traditional egg salad.
Step Forty-Six: The recipe calls for onion.  If you add onion (and tell the rest of the family), no one else will want the egg salad.  Who are you kidding?  No one else will want it anyway.  Add some onion.
Step Forty-Seven: Stop boys who are running through the kitchen again and let them see what you've made.  Offer them a taste.  Both will probably refuse.
Step Forty-Eight: Give some to LL when he decides that he wants to try it anyway.
Step Forty-Nine: Clean up egg salad that LL has spit out on the floor.
Step Fifty: Cover container and put in the refrigerator until ready to use.

4 comments:

DD4 said...

I would have to add one more step: sprinkle on some salt and pepper. Good for you for making something new, Peder. Just think, the next time you'll be able to knock off a couple of steps!

Heidi said...

I have a similar recipe. I have the spouse will boil the eggs for me down. I may need you boil more than 4 eggs. If you crack an egg in this house Brian comes running. I like to add a little avocado to my egg salad.

Pat said...

This was fun to read. You really should learn how to multi task. I think you could get it down to at least 40 steps. But then it wouldn't be as good to read. Yeah--just keep on doing what you are doing.

Barbara said...

Ahhh, fresh from my baby-sitting night, I really get it. Fun to read. Thanks. Having the multi-tasking so explicit is an eye-opening reminder of the hardest job in the world - to raise healthy children.
(At our house, we call it peeling the eggs.)