Future Poltergeist

Today, I feel human again. Off to the doctor! Went to my second Dr's appt today, this one for Relia. She has croup! Who knew that was even a real thing? Simple domestic joy: putting a Chiquita banana sticker on my daughter. Facebook is asking me to say 'hello' to you. So...hi! Hope you're doing well. Take care! Back from the ultrasound and everything is fine. On mornings like this I always wonder how the pioneers (150 years ago) got their children outside and into their child seats. Just finished shoveling. The first shift at least. We're celebrating Christmas Eve with cookie time! Snips and snails and puppy dog tails... Blue turtles should be outlawed in the last half of lap three. I feel very strongly about this. Sample post: "Watching Relia today. Getting more than very ready (something something). Good game."

Fireworks have been shot off in hopes that the dragon will favor us. Or something like that. Happy New Year! If anyone has an extra 50 degrees of heat to share, we could sure use some. Another reason to have children: finding new Dr Seuss books to read. The Ariel/Flounder friendship is wholly unconvincing. Cardinals versus Saints. Who would the Pope cheer for? The tator-tot hotdish (the only real cooking I bring to the marriage) is in the oven. Enjoyed 'Up in the Air'. Probably a must see for all bookers of corporate travel. Hey, freezing rain in the forecast! What could possibly go wrong? Dear NFL, football games should be played on Sundays at noon and 3p. Small adjustments are fine. 2p and 540p is just stupid. Please correct this for next season. Hey, any room for some winter refugees? Another few days of below zero weather and we may give up on Minnesota entirely. Is making a taco pizza to share with daughter. She gets all of the black olives...

Confession time: I giggle whenever I book YQR. Four hours of sleep, a ten hour shift and a winter storm closing down everything east of the Mississippi. Should be a fun day. I'd be willing to sign any petition available to ban Bud Light from advertising during the Super Bowl. I'm trying to sell the name 'Zeppo' and having no luck. Man, short track ice skating is exciting! Four years later and I'm still bugged that the city of Turin has been Olympicized into 'Torino'. Snow today in the northern Rockies. That means we'll be helping thousands of stranded travelers trying to connect in Bozeman :( When will they make 'Survivor' into an Olympic sport? Chloroform is bad for children, right? Apparently, we've reached the stage of pregnancy where 'context' can no longer be provided. I'm baffled and not sure where to turn. Should be a fun ten(ish) weeks. I'm ideally suited to be an eccentric millionaire. Relia just told me that 'she...

Am showing 'Mary Poppins' to Relia. It's her first time. What about the name 'Yorick'? Too Danish? As I'd hoped, Relia loves 'Ponyo'! You really don't understand the concept of 'non sequitur' until you've had conversations with a two year old. First Cory Haim, now Merlin Olsen. Will these celebrities never learn to tone it down? The windows are open for the first time since September! (In Bill Cosby voice) Come here come here come here come here come here come here come here... HIMYM is best when Barney is superhuman.

Out of the blue, Relia has started calling me 'Papa-bear'. Relia had jelly on toast and it ended up smeared on her face. I told her she looked like the Joker. She said, "I AM the Joker". Well, that puts my mind at ease. Is there a nanny in a musical who is not played by Julie Andrews? Whoops! Must have left my phone at work. No calls for me this weekend! Relia is taking a self imposted timeout because "she is blond". After great study (and repeated viewings) I've come to the conclusion that 'Toy Story' is *not* a documentary. We need at least 28 hours in the day. Is there somewhere we can petition for that? Watching old Mickey Mouse cartoons with Relia. God bless YouTube. The wife just told me that if I put on another 30-40 pounds, I too can stop working until baby comes. Paging Dr Nick... Well. They might be coming but we're not sure. My phone is charged and I'm still going to work. Let's hope that I'm called away!

This time we're going in. Pleased to announce that Felix arrived last night about 230a. He weighs 8 pounds 5 ounces and is 20 in. long. Both mother and baby are doing quite well. Lesson One for today: Little boys have a long range attack option during diaper changes. Is there a product that sits in your home and simulates, for infants, the experience of being in a car? And if not, why? A pink heart shaped Mylar balloon at the dollar store. Is that the best money spent or what? I could not be any more tired of vampires and zombies than I am right now. Relia is insistent that I show her 'Empire Strikes Back' (or as she refers to Star Wars, the 'robot movies'). Thinks there should be a drink called 'Desmond in a Well'. Not sure of the ingredients though... Relia wants to go to the zoo so we can ride the 'monica-rail'. Relia is down and we have a clear shot at watching 'Lost'. Watching old Donald Duck cartoons with Relia. This time some of them a...

Is ready for the kids to fall asleep. If only my wife had questions about things that I know about! I hate to admit this but the new A-Team movie looks kind of fun. So, out of curiosity, who out there is excited for the World Cup and who do you think will win? Sometime this week I'll be talking with a client on the phone and they'll say, "huh"? And after a long weekend at home with a two year old I will almost certainly snap back "You heard what I said!". Seriously, is there a better ad campaign than 'The Most Interesting Man in the World'? Very strong yellow glow to the sky right now. That's a bad thing, right? I wish the Children's Museum had a webcam so I could tell if it was mobbed with kids before driving over to St Paul . . . Hell is: stuck in traffic with two kids screaming in the back seat. I'm having my first ever BLT. I miss my morning vuvuzeuellas. Just got back from our first puppet show of the summer.

Very interesting article here , where the author reconstructs how McDonalds makes their excellent french fries.  I can't imagine going to those lengths myself, but I respect it.  I should note that I found it after originally reading this article on why McD's hamburgers don't seem to decay.

Was anyone else rooting for a Paraguay/Uruguay final? [I think this is a World Cup reference.] The wife just asked me what year 'Wizard of Oz' came out. I knew it. This seems strange to admit but I'm going to miss the vuvezuellas. Today's unhappy word of the day: 'vitiligo'. The storm is past and we're up from the basement. The sirens completely screwed up bedtime but we finally got her down. Just got a Kindle! I can no longer see a plane fly overhead without thinking it's going to split apart a la 'Lost'. Just got the full body happy wiggle from Felix. I love the unfiltered joy of a three month old! If my excitement over the Clinton wedding gets any higher I'll probably have to check into treatment.

Why didn't Mankato hold a 'Bret Favre Day Festival' for this weekend. Think he would have shown up for it? Can't sleep but I just got a lovely sighting of the half moon. Leaving for my last day at Mendota. My daughter wants to be on 'Wipeout'. Somehow I think this reflects poorly on my parenting. I think kazoos should be handled like cigarettes. They should be prohibited to anyone under the age of 18. No screaming from upstairs. I take that as a good sign. Week one: both kids are still alive, they've had the correct number of meals and slept some each night. So far so good!  Today Relia asked me to teach her how to play baseball. I nearly wept.  Just back from my first visit to Target Field. Boy did I ever pick the right night!  Relia just woke up screaming for 'hot lemons'. It might be one of those days.  Today is *not* going into the parenting Hall of Fame.      

Did a little poking around online. Our highest temp of the year so far is 52, which we've hit twice in the last three weeks. The last time we had temps higher than 60? November 21. The next day (Thanksgiving) we had snow, and we've basically had it ever since. That means that as of Sunday, we'll have been in winter for the past *five* months.

A wonderful list here .  I'd like to visit all of these.

It seems that this series will be on hiatus for a bit.  Facebook is no longer allowing me to easily look at stories a month at a time.  Sorry!

This kind of made my day.

The kids were trying to pick a show to watch on the Netflix and they decided on 'Little Tyke's Land', a show based on the toy cars that kids can 'drive' around the yard.  The FP Gal asked me if I'd watched it before. (Yes, this morning and it sucked in the way that gentle children's programming does.)  I tried to steer her away from saying yes. Me: Yeah, it's hyper-violent.  Uses bad language. FP Gal: What???  Really? DF:  Hyper-violent!  Hyper-violent!  I want hyper-violent! Little pitchers, man, little pitchers have big ears.  (We let them watch it.)

Watching old episodes of 'The Critic' with Relia. Not sure if this means I'm a bad parent or a really, really good one. Is this the wrong day to tell everyone that I'm not fond of the Discovery channel's big family lineup? Scariest phrase from the backseat? "It's ok dad, I don't have to go potty anymore." It's 2010. Why don't we have some sort of external gauge to show how full a toddler's bladder is yet? Come on science people! I'm just going to admit this. I really enjoy George Lazenby as James Bond. Starting to make my very first meatloaf. Is there a way to tell my TV that I'm not eligible to vote in the Bachmann/Clark election? I'd like to opt out from their commercials please. I can't wait until the kids are old enough to really get into football Sunday with me. Maybe by that time, my wife will too. I can't help but think that Gromit could do better than Wallace. Off to Austin. I'...

Only 31 more days of political ads!   Random playdoh fun fact: If you mix white, brown and pink together they make a color very similar to bacon.   T onight's bedtime reading request: 'The Tiny Little Train that Does It'.   Q: How much talcum powder was in the bottle on Relia's drawer today? A: Enough to cover her entire floor, some clothes and stuffed animals. Grrrrr.       The only thing that will consistently calm Felix this morning? Concert video from U2.   A peek into my home conversations with the wife: I've always thought that 'Ballroom Blitz' should have been in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.   I think my daughter is destined for the stage.   1. We are now hooked on 'Phineas and Ferb'. 2. I really, really want to find an appropriate time to call someone 'Perry the Judge-a-pus'.   Daughter comes out of her room crying. She should be in bed asleep. Why the tears? She hit her head, she...

I start back to work in a half an hour. It's been a good (nearly) three months off and I feel ready to help people again. Tummy time always makes me sleepy.   How does Disney get every fourteen year old girl to sound like they've been smoking for decades?   You know the game where toddlers ask question after question, each one leading them further and further from the original subject? The first one is legitimate and timely, but as they go along you're suddenly trying to define words that they just made upon the spot. Yeah, I've come to hate that game.   Relia is picking out wedding dresses.   The trick to a quiet house is making sure the kids get the right amount of sleep. If anyone knows how to perform this trick, please let me know.   Went to 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Pacing Issues' today. You know, if you're going to make a 2 1/2 hour movie you should make every attempt to make it *move*. Instead we were treat...

Relia has announced that for Christmas she would like glue. Why do I think she'd be terribly, terribly disappointed if we paid attention to that wish? Best Duran Duran song? Isn't it 'Rio'? Relia wants chocolate gelt for Christmas. This is wonderful on so many levels! I've reached that strange stage of parenthood where I have a favorite 'Phineas and Ferb' song. Unfavorite phrases heard by parents: "Didn't you see the mess that I made?" and "I cleaned up part of it!" "Some walk by night/Some fly by day . . ." I'm enjoying homemade mashed potatoes pizza. [Big December 2010 blizzard that broke the Dome] Can't decide if it's safe to shovel yet or not. My work of this morning has been compeltely erased. Word is that the Viking game is moving to Monday night. At least partly out of fear that too much snow will be on top of the dome for safety. Dome officials don't think they'll be re...

I'm the only one in the house still awake. Do I still light fireworks even if there is no audience? The curse of the Netflix instant queue? When your three year old discovers Care Bear movies. Today's simple pleasure? Feeding cheerios to Felix. Cannibal one: Say, what did you think of that chicken? Cannibal two: It kinda tasted like missionary. Distant hip hop sounds like a breast pump. According to the internets, it's -15 out there and it *feels* like -15. With any luck it'll get as high as 6 today. It might even feel like six degrees. Yuck. Why does Joe Buck always sound like he's only announcing as some kind of community service program? Relia doesn't want to watch 'Phineas and Ferb' anymore. She says that Candace is 'too busty'. Relia has decided that Felix's nickname should be 'Dragonfire'. When I asked her where she'd heard this name she simply told me 'Austrailia'. Watching old Bugs Bu...

That's it. I'm making oatmeal cookies with cinnamon chips and no one is going to stop me. So the groundhog didn't see his shadow and we'll have an early spring. Fingers crossed very hard! Why have any five episodes of 'Phineas and Ferb' given us more memorable music than the last decade of Disney's movie releases?   Current temp in Minneapolis: 2 degrees. Current temp in Honolulu: 70 degrees. Our high today might be all of 5 degrees. They will be up to 80 with a chance of scattered showers. Why the hell do we live here? It's minus 11 right now but the forecast assures me that today's low should be about 4 degrees. I'm hoping 'Gnomeo and Juliet' does well. It could lead to a version of 'The Tempest' done with a croquet set or possibly 'King Lear' done with paving stones! I love that Netflix thinks that 'Poltergeist' is a movie about parenting. Open windows = happy kitties. Feeding Felix so...

My intrepid boy is moving all the light furniture around. Remember today is Squirrel day. If the squirrel pokes its head from the hole in your roof and doesn't see its shadow then we only have four more weeks of parking restrictions. Great. Now I'm going to have 'Squirrels in my Pants' going through my head all day. Half shamrock shake, half chocolate shake. All heaven. (Available on request!) I love that today is both Mardi Gras and International Women's Day. Last night I had one of those parental thoughts, the kind that wakes you up in the middle of the night and really struggle with it. I thought: Why are there pennies in my bed? Now that people text while driving, don't worries about simply talking on the phone while driving seem almost quaint? I'm cleaning the downstairs while Felix roams around the edges and makes more messes. I don't know if I've ever felt more domestic. While listening to my music in the car today ...

You can put it on the board...Yes! I'm starting to think that Fox in Socks is an excellent life model. We've discovered a new game at our house. Felix takes the books off of the shelf, I put them back on it. Felix takes the books off of the shelf, I put them back on it. Thinking about Aunt Liz. A true spitfire. You'll be missed. Relia rejected a shirt this morning because it was 'too struggely' and had 'more tompah'. I think she has a future as a judge on Project Runway. Back from the platelet vampires. They've added an interview question about werewolves. That can't be good. We're getting ready to go to Austin for Relia's first Matchbox play! I think my ambition stayed in bed this morning... Noodles and Co's Bacon cheeseburger macaroni is simply wonderful. I just had to tell Felix that he had some waffle behind his ear. Just finished watching the new Dr Who. At the end, Sarah said "I want more". ...

[This is when DF was the age that LL is now.] For nearly 30 years I've been jealous of the copy of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' that my brother bought on cassette. Today I finally bought a copy of my own on iTunes. Back from the garage sales. Very poor book hunting today. Going to watch the final shuttle launch on TV with the kids at 756a. Hope that everything goes well! Me talking to Relia: Um, why is your shirt off? Relia: Because I want to play princess! See? This is why I keep her away from the Royal family.     Great moments in engineering history: Great Pyramids in Egypt Building the Panama Canal A three year old's outfit for preschool.   Netflix Instant shows now include Cosby Show, Family Ties and Cheers. If they get Night Court we can recreate NBC's Thursday night lineup from the 80's. In the last two days I have found an even half dozen spoons that Felix carried off, set down and were subsequently lost.       Relia...

Tonight I booked car service to the Jersey Shore Medical Center. Think they get teased by other medical centers? There should be a limit to the number of times I have to say something like "Stop putting things on your brother's head!". When your three year old has free rein to design a Mii, you get, well, one ugly woman. Relia: You should go see mommy's panties. In the backyard. Me: (blinks and looks at wife) Sarah: *Peonies*. Me: Oooh. MTV's '16 and Pregnant' has taught me that high school girls should simply stay away from boys who can't wear their hat straight.   I've tricked Sarah into watching 'The Third Man'. Haven't told her it's a classic. Shhhh!   What I've learned from 'Thomas the Tank Engine': most trains are reckless jerks.   Tony Shalhoub will never top his work in 'Galaxy Quest'.   There may come a time in a man's life when he realizes that his music library...

Was the state air conditioning system also tied into the budget shutdown? Now that the kids are asleep, we can break out the good ice cream. It sounds like shelling in my neighborhood. Sarah says it smells like sulfur outside. Relia has a pet earwig that she has named 'Abdullah'. This is wrong on many, many levels. Relia just detonated out of her room and dressed us down for 'forgetting her stuff' at Meigan's house. Yikes! Relia's new epithet of choice 'You're fired.' Said in a sing-songy voice. And no, to my knowledge she has never even seen Donald Trump. 70 degrees and overcast. I wouldn't complain with another week of this. Reasons why Relia is wearing a Lone Ranger style mask this morning: 1. To keep mosquitoes from her face. 2. So she can look like an evil 'gene-ur'. 3. To keep it away from Felix . . . For the first time in twenty odd years I have 'We Are the World' stuck in my head. Relia, noticing...

I used to worry about my cell phone pocket dialing. Now I worry about toddler dialing. Felix just stole some cash from Sarah's wallet. Several valuable lessons have been learned by all. Switched over to 'Hunt for Red October'. I think that all male choirs sound best in either Russian or Latin. (And who isn't in the mood for a submarine movie?) I've never seen a woman work so hard to rationalize why she should get both apple pies from McDonalds. Felix has started telling us 'night-night' when he gets tired. Neighbors across the street are having a yard sale and apparently one thing they're selling is a drum. Which is being tested by 'potential buyers'. I'm tempted to walk over there, buy it and then very carefully run it over with the car. The drumming has stopped. And if this was a movie set in the jungle I'd now say "it's quiet. Too quiet." But as it is I still have two little kids running around...

All three of us, the kids and I, could use some more sleep this morning. The problem is that I'm the only one willing to take some! Tried some 'Sound of Music' this morning. Now Relia is wandering about singing 'Edel-mice'. Heading down to Wabasha to see the Eagle Center. I'm hoping they don't play 'Hotel California'. Just spent two minutes searching for my phone before I realized it was in my pocket. So great, I've reached THAT age. If you name a child Zapp Branigan, this will only help them towards a lifetime of success and glory, right? I'm rewatching Star Trek: TNG on Netflix. I think that Worf needs a dating advice show. It would be incredible. A the breakfast table and Relia is showing Felix how to take a deep breath so he can calm down. I'm taking Relia to a park. She wants to know how big it is and if I would describe it as a 'humungo park'. Picked up 'The Dangerous Book for Boys' at a gar...

All in all, I'd rather be here...

We're finishing up dinner and Relia went over to Felix and (loudly) whispered in his ear, "You distract them for me!". He didn't understand and her plan was thwarted. Back from cheering the runners [Twin Cities Marathon]. They seem to enjoy it but I can't wondering if yelling for marathoners is something of a blood sport. Felix is having an argument with his scrambled eggs. If you haven't had some Falco today, well, then I'm sorry for you. Relia's crayon art is becoming more and more representative. Felix just wants to see how many crayons he can jam in his mouth at one time. Relia: Dad, can we got to West Virginia? Me: Probably some day. Relia: Good. I really want to go their so I can make some cousins. Me: (pause) 'Make some cousins'? Relia: Yes, I want to go their and make some cousins. I didn't really know what to say about that.         Saw a rainbow on the way to daycare this morning. That means we're ...